i'll never love again.

From the moment creativity kicks in, the world opens into a new league of visions. Life takes hold and imagery is never the same. From the glance at anything, a cup, birds, renaissance, our views and experiences draw us back into a moment we remember.. The moment we were inspired. Many times, my mind would fall back into the masterful genius that was Alexander McQueen.

The man who revolutionized his form of fashion played a crucial role in where I wanted my life to go. His collections always touched me and inspired me into pushing my creative buttons just a little more. From his world of future underwater elegance it seemed I had a sense of where fashion would go, and I hope that I would have the privilege of meeting him one day. He pushed the final button, only on his life. At the age of 40, his time in life was marked with legend, genius, masterful craftsmanship, and his work is an inspiration on those beginning their lives. From choosing death, he gives others life.

To the man I never knew, but felt more than grateful his artistry touched millions of lives, from mainstream to the simple minds like my own. McQueen, you will never be forgotten.

RIP.

undiscovered.

From time to time, a small crunch of pain stricken our necks forcing us into thinking we're stuck in our situation. Then with a twist or sudden movement, pop, the pain is gone temporarily.

The same goes for most of daily dilemmas, or homework.. Here and gone, only to be back again. Reevaluating my life lately, I've come to some pretty great realizations, figuring out that I've been building myself up lately from the outside. I've been paying too much attention to the aesthetics rather than the structure that withholds every emotion, every event, and every great love. While anyone can redecorate, or change some furniture arrangements, it takes strong, mindful thinking to restructure rooms, or levels of how large or small you want your house to be. My mindset for the longest time was the more the merrier, the larger the house, the more friends the merrier. None of it was making me happy, for it had only been causing me more tribulations as I lay out the work week. More often that not, I would compare my aesthetics to everyone else, thinking, 'well I can do it better', in which many ways I can, and feel my way of life overcomes most, but it doesn't make me better and should never make me feel inadequate.

I am my own house, and its continuing effort for perfection will continue for as long as I live.

No one is perfect, and no one can ever reach perfection. In every cheesy cliche alive, with great power comes great responsibility. I had a friend recently write a tale about judging others, while it brought a simple tale of never judging a book by its cover, the nature of the story fell through, for his own mindset doesn't follow his writing. So in my house analogy, it was much like building from the outside in, which never works. His frame of mind beset the outside image of words. In todays everyday life, we're all unique, framed by events that both hurt and inspire our goals, but we're often beset on the outside of how we look, rather than how we were built. From what drives the minds in college to continue is a mystery. The events of drinking, being sexually active, driving on the acceptance of others continues to be a mystery in many ways. For when most people appear to be self-confident, most are not, instead covering their own imperfection by mocking others. The emotions we feel, we often cover up by provoking others and saying "i'm ok". We tend to heighten the event by focusing primarily on our own situation, blocking out and taking for granted everything else around us, often losing many opportunities, and many friends in the process. We often think we've pushed the hold button, thinking everyone around us will still be there when we're gone. However, like myself in others lives, I can't focus too hard on them.

So in everyday life, we're struggling to overcome the past. What we do right now, plays the ultimate role into what will happen next. Our actions will define who we are ultimately, both to ourselves and others. How we interpret what others might feel is really up to us. While no one in the world can please everyone, the most important person we can please is ourself. For no one will judge, criticize, praise, or love ourselves harder than our own self.

you choose death and company.

From a young age, we're often taught various subjects, "survival of the fittest" and that you have to 'look' a certain way, or 'weigh' a certain amount. Has the technology overload in the past ten years just made us cynical towards perfection?

And why is it that we always feel an urge, or dire need to compete against others? We compete to an empty auditorium, where the lions that arise are simply more words thrown at one another. The crowd is no one but our own.

We cry an empty roar to ourselves.

Our world is nothing more but how we perceive it.. Our head and reality remain two completely different worlds. One with no criticism, and the other with every gesture and boo coming from an overfilled hoorah of on lookers.

I'm speechless in the fact that I still, even though feeling as though I've learned from past mistakes fall back into the company of my woes. When does the hurt and anger turn into happiness and joy? Does getting hurt ever heal? Emotionally.. or physically? We often judge ourselves based on the opinions given to us.. we're called skinny or too slim, we often jump to that as our high mark, or we're called fat, or 'different'.. and we drown ourselves down into pity. Are we insane to think we can be happy with being happy? Or is happy just an excuse for how perfection can never be.. and is perfection really overrated?

something there.

another sunny day. I'm lucky I know.. but where is home?

The event has struck. I'm only sitting here in the aftermath. Under flourensence, caught between various thoughts and past experiences that only bring up one question, and that's why I'm not feeling as happy as I should? Am I simply too vain? Where does life begin? Where does happiness begin? The age of innocence no longer exist. Guilt shadows our everyday events. We question most daily events, emotions, and experiences to the point where we begin to blame only ourselves. Where does that all end? Do we, as individuals make our own fate? And do we seek a certain set of consequences based on every action? Life continues to make it's mark in mystery. At the start of a new month, I sit in partial guilt wondering if my happiness has begun? Where does stress partake in the individual feeling of your true happiness?

Do the questions we ask overshadow the answers we're given?

white flag

we are mysterious creatures.

From learning to let my guards down, to acting irrationally against those closest to me, I'm tangled in various emotions and trying to learn how to live again. At twenty years old, I'm completely lost, with full optimism that life can and will get better. New loves will occur, but every lesson opens new wounds that continue to be afflicted from past lessons learned from those around us. I've done pretty well on my own, and I'm ready to go at it again. Slowly, but surely, the feelings and judgments held against me need to simply only make my skin thicker. Staying positive can be tricky when negativity surrounds you, but knowing you have those doors still open carries great hope. So let's do this again. Dartmouth we like.

Turnin' The Page

Ever year, children in the bodies of growing adults have that one day, which spews special moments and giddy feeding of the ego. The day when single is celebrated, the birthday. For some it's hours of gift receiving and people coming up wishing their best. To the individuals spotlighted, it can dawn a self-realization moment. A day to reflect how far you've come from the year behind you, and how you wanna make the next year even more special. For some, it's like a ticking clock, with one tick just heard all around in the head. So what constitutes a perfect year, a perfect moment. The moment you feel this is mine, and no one can take it away?

And is it no longer special, when you choose to share the moment with someone else? Life is all about lessons, the lesson learned and never forgotten, however, I couldn't help but wonder, in the next twenty years, are the lessons destined by age? Is the great Age Issue simply just a page number on the book of lessons? I go far too deep with thinking at times, but for now, everything seems to be in order.

This moment is great. The lesson, no stress can be made unless you're the one doing the stressing. So with all that said, and about an hour and half left on my nineteen, I'm forced to turn the page onto page twenty. The page is unwritten, waiting for the lessons to start. Pen is ready. Line is set.. Here We Go Again.

Blank Page. 20.

lost, then found

making big plans.. turning 20 soon.

letting go of one monkey bar to move forward.. how is that when everything we want seems like nothing when we finally have it?

the fact we obtain our goals drives us forward.. and if I have learned one thing this year already; it's that despite my harshness or pessimism, love can truly change ones life as it did to mine. The spark of love pushed my ambitions farther than I could have first imagined.

2010.. watch out :)