life in technicolor

For most college students, the recess between fall and spring is meant to follow what bears do during the winter months, hibernate. It's the time for rest and relaxation, when you go home, and move the stresses of classes aside for some much deserved family time. Some, like me, hate family time as it brings along new stresses like where is my personal space? why do I have to wake up so early? and my personal favorite, why is my family so annoying?
It's also a good time to reflect on what you've accomplished the past few months, however, the accomplishment only seems relevant to myself. Through all the heartbreak we suffer, and all the trials and lessons we seem to learn in the end..
I couldn't help but wonder, does it really matter?

As growing adults, we set our lives apart from others. Every emotion, every setback and triumpth means the world to us, while it seems minuscule to others. Our worries are other people's distractions. Life lessons come and go, and the best is still yet to come.. that's what I hear. In college, we're forced to think about the future, our career, our love life, and where we might see ourselves in 10 years. In high school, we want the adult life, and in college, we become afraid of adult life. Are we simply afraid to grow up?
Life appears to be filled with choices, from jobs to classes we choose to take. What happens when we think we've made the wrong choice? If given a simple chance to hit reset, or start over, could we.. or should we? Do we accept the mistake like most say and just move forward. Or? If given the chance to take two steps back and fix them, should we? In life, is it ever ok to hit restart in the fear we'll end up in game over?

smile. back to the start.

Sweet sentimental times of packed streets, bordered houses, and glistening decorations that fill offices, schools, and everything in between. It's the time of Christmas, and for some slightly cynical scrooge-like citizens, we hate it. For what it brings, ill-mannered children, transparent joy, and the sudden urge to show your love, with a pricetag attached. What most people forget is the holidays bring people together, and that that is more precious than people will choose to acknowledge. Perhaps the best gift of all we can give ourselves is to look back on how far we've come since last Christmas.. and discover the change we've made. We're new people, new situations, and maybe for some, new settings. There's new people in our lives, and new experiences which include the perfect and imperfect ones, but looking back and realizing those experiences have shaped us into who we are today should give us optimism that next year, like the timeless songs "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", your troubles next year will be miles away.
With the dying pain of a broken heart and broken trust, I start anew once again. This time, ready to forgive those who wronged me and instead of holding grudges, look forward. And while for some, the best option seems to make plans to take a step back into familiar territory, those strong enough can find the strength to make due and make plans to step forward. Jump.

As the year of 2009 comes quickly to a close, I look back thinking of all the good this year brought. I recovered from loss, moved myself forward and fell a few times, but never gave up. I found a new self. success, money, and work. I found love.

So what the next year brings remains unknown, however, it's comforting that if all of what I have found this year can be refound again. This time even better than before. Taking the dive again. Here's to the future.

in the waiting line

When those random events happen to occur in our lives, in which we have absolutely no control over, how are we to react? Given, there's an idea called 'common sense', but unfortunately for modern science.. no one can control our emotions and irrational behavior. I couldn't help but wonder when it comes to dealing with relationships, or friendships.. how do we act when we don't really know how to behave?

Most of the time, friends are meant to stick up for one another when it comes to those random occurrences in ones lives, yet when it does come to a certain point when two friends who share very similar interests conflict, the end result is never good. It comes to blaming one another or being jealous. Both will debate and debate until one can prevail, however, none come out victorious. Instead, both find themselves pleading or wanting to let go of the reasoning for why they were fighting in the first place. So when it comes to forgiveness and letting go, is our behavior always to blame? And when that conflict ends, some resolutions are made to an extent, but what happens when each opposing party begins letting go of their walls, and start letting someone in. Is letting go really the best option.. and if not, where do we fall?

college essentials

list of items needed in order to have a great college experience:

an amazing cell phone

great sunglasses

nalgene bottle

lux school bag

slick laptop

social networking

chapstick

personal style

the best friend

exercise

party papers

that's it for now :)

jump then fall

You've broken me, shattered my heart.

You've continuously torn me apart in ways I've never felt.

But day by day, the shattered pieces are brought together again. You play me like a broken tune, with the hopes to make a perfect song.

With each day, I continue to learn something new.

You were my forbidden fruit.

My temptation towards you continued to challenge itself.

Then you said... I love you

Finally, I saw your heart open up; you let me in.

Your tears truly moved me.

You're human. You're you. Flaws and all. I love you.

You're my best friend. You're indescribable. You're apart of my life.

You're wonderful. My wonderwall.

I've never felt this way before. When you smile, I smile.

I'll always be there for you. No matter what comes our way. We're us. Our bond is what we know, and cannot be put into words, for each day will always bring us someplace new.

I'll catch you when you fall :)

beautiful day

When faced with rejection from a bond remains undefined. We often ask questions, and wonder how we can move forward. Relationships fail, people come into your life, and people leave. Why is so difficult to pull away?

How do we gather ourselves up, both physically and emotionally, and finally move forward. For some, it's quite easy to move right on to person number 2, but for some, like myself, respected the times, and wouldn't imagine hurting another individual.

Best solution, find yourself where you are, frustrated or saddened, but simply breath, and reboot. Don't let this one relationship prevent you from letting people back into your life. Accept the defeat, but move forward. Change only comes when you learn to accept it, for change will not accept you, but will push you forward. Here's to letting go of the past, and remaining optimistic for the future.

Here we go again..

delayed devotion

this is my last letter on how you touched my life.

"You've moved forward. I accept that. I've forced myself to. You've been the greatest friend to truly move my life forward. I'll always remember that. This place I am right now though is truly heartbreaking. I'm torn apart. For more than two months, I tore myself apart trying to gain your attention. Something. Anything. Finally, faced with the ultimate, and clearest rejection, I stand humiliated. I let you go. I let you go into the arms of someone who managed to grasp your attention within a matter of days. Probably hours. And I sit here. Alone.

I feel like I was only used as your stepping stone. Your ego boost. And now, I feel you share the opportunity to blow it my face. You knew how I felt about you. And you leave me here, while you tell the world how your life is changed. I've changed. And I don't know how to go back to where I was. I feel so used. Worthless. And I know that tomorrow, I will pull myself up and continue on with my life. With you by my side. Is that the worst part? Or the best?

You don't know what to say. I know you're not sorry. You've pulled me down, you've brought me up, but worst of all you've torn my heart apart, and you don't realize this.

It was my fault. I held on to nothing. For far too long.. It was my mistake.

Now, I'm ready to move on. But I need you to know this. My life was truly changed because of you. And for all of that, thank you.

Now you sit confused, but in the same place as before--a friend.

You'll never read this. But it's my final letter to you."

Now I'm ready to move forward. Destination unknown.

eyes on fire

Honestly, I'm going in circles again.

I'm finding myself in the same situation as I've been in before. I'm in a mood in which I can't explain. I'm happy, yet disappointed. I'm hopeful, yet pessimistic. Optimistic, but cynical. I have a best friend to lean on, but I feel so alone. I feel so rich, yet so broke. I feel so useless.

I don't recognize myself anymore.

Let's hope this feeling ends soon.

fix you

There comes a point when college kids close the books and find themselves opening up their little shop of horrors. The ever celebrated event called Halloween. Hello trick or treat: whimsy and whore-ish costumes. Bottles upon bottles of magic juice and Goodbye any sense of responsibility. For me, my costume let my fears away and let me become something else for two nights, until finally coming back to me. Even though my costume never came off, my feelings and my friends came back. I had to wonder, in every day life, are our actions really just us wearing a costume?

What hides behind our actions is feelings, the truest of them, nothing fake: no pushed anger against others. Underneath the many wraps of our personality lies the love we share for others. And even for the most cynical of people, lies love. I realized I love this boy. Faced with the fear of losing him, the feeling, that sense that you would give your life, your blood, your insides away so that this person can continue on. pushed me forward, into another area of my life and made me realize that I, me, Darnell can care for others.

I have a best friend. I have someone who will accept me for whatever I choose to do in my life.

I have someone who has changed me. I have someone who has brought me back to life.

I have adventure. I have respect.

I'm so lucky, privileged, and fortunate.

And with the promise to move life forward, I feel like myself more than ever knowing I have someone there to lean on. And to have someone make my life so exciting, challenging, and significant..

Well that's just fantastic.

destination unknown

<3

Let's Go Back To The Start

Taking a look into what three months can do to a person is daunting. I've found myself in a situation unlike others. The most important of relationships are the ones we have with ourselves. Ultimately, our thoughts and actions take us into battle. Whether we choose to follow them, or leave them behind ends up placing us into a new direction with this never-ending road called life. And choosing to be happy, rather than upset over what will never be, is the most important choice we could ever make. Mistakes shape us and moves us forward. At the prime age of 19, I look back in the past three months thinking: wow, I am really here, How did I come so far? And then I realize I can do this. With friends, it's comforting, but as stated before, it's all in our mind. This moment, whether I choose or choose not to be happy defines the rest of my life. So now I finally realize, I can sit here, sulking about what will never be, and thinking what did I do wrong, or I can look forward and expect, and know that one day, I'll have something so much more, and have someone that feels the same way I feel about them. Here's to the next chapter of my life. Flaws and all.

Iou

It seems that most college students face regrets. From procrastination, to a drinking too much.. our mistakes come kicking, but why don't we ever learn? Stuck in a position of having too many drinks, I find myself in a complex situation, both personally and professionally. Here I am. A 19-year old college Sophomore completely fucked over by other people. In most situations, we allow ourselves to make our own choices, but with limited boundaries. However, my boundaries fell as anger and intoxication took over. When lies are revealed, it comes as a shock, and provides discomfort amongst friends, but when a friend commits a sexual act, is it right for the other friend to be discouraged? After all, friends accept one another, but what really constitutes a friendship between a relationship in certain situations? Does the matter of seeing and communicating between one another daily mean nothing compared to a one night stand in bed? And when the friendship obviously moves into limited boundaries, are we ever prepared to accept? In the matter of trust in relationships, where do we lie?

Obstacle 1

Questions often float while sitting under the fluorescent lighting that we call temporary home. While others sit aside roommates or friends, some, like me, decide to sit alone as the thoughts come onto screen more clearly. However, the thoughts, or questions that float are often unclear as our minds have not matured far enough to understand the meaning that most still search called life. In the many stages of growing up, we're faced with obstacles, challenges, and those new experiences that just fall upon us unexpectedly. How the hell are we ever supposed to be ready for those. In student orientations, they talk about lobo spirit, but not the threat of 'lobo' tomy. Often, our minds wonder, and come full circle with no explanation. But, with little stress, and a future unknown, but in the process, are we ever living for ourselves? We ask the same question over and over again, but like the time before, no answer. So are we living for the explanation in the hopes that we will have an sudden realization and live happily ever after? When we have something, homework, a new girlfriend/boyfriend, or simply just happiness.. I couldn't help but wonder, is it ever enough?

I have a wonderful individual who came into my life, who simply makes me laugh, makes me smile, and makes me happy. However, it's only friendship. Is friendship simply Grade B from what would be a wonderful relationship? Or is it the alternate from a relationship recall? In a relationship, does friendship fill the void?

Crazy World

Overall. I must say, I'm quite happy :)

I've become used to using smiley faces, feelin' the urge to dance through the University, and completely ignore the negativity that comes my way. I've met someone. Finally. However, it's nothing I've quite witnessed before, and it's quite nice. Before rushing into a quickie made-for-campus relationship, I'm learning so much more. Friendship, but with the complete satisfaction that comes with one of those lousy things called a relationship. Strictly platonic. But fun, and keeps me smiling. I couldn't help but wonder if I was being the person just settling down. Had I become one of those students who quit the party scene, and instead spent the nights in my room wondering the many possibilities this 'friendship' would take? Or had I simply just settled for second-best? In the era halls of collegiate life, where does the lines of relationship end and begin?

Move Along

A new year. A new beginning.

Coming to a place where your comfort is already there, it comes easy to know what to expect. somewhat. Coming back, I've discovered to look at things more lightly. No more expecting the worst, and, as it turns out, it's been working quite nicely. I've come to a position in my life where stress is eased, and my face is nothing but smiles. Even with useless dramatics, my life continues to thrive. When we find someone to make us smile, laugh, and just feel completely good about ourselves.. we need to keep that. However, when do we move from smiling to smiling with reservations? After all, most college relationships seem to cease, but how safe should we really be. In a relationship, do we look both ways before crossing?

Barricade

sadness continues to reign, however, finally it feels like the storm is coming to a close.

In only two-three short days, I'll be returning back to Albuquerque, ready to start an entirely new chapter in my life. The past few weeks reigned in new ideas, experiences, and oddly enough, a new name: a new beginning. The conflict started from irrational behavior from my uncle finally made me realize that I wanted to break away from my roots, and I finally wanted to start anew, on my own.

While the anticipation builds, I'm preparing for the stresses I'm sure this will cause, but knowing that keeps me going in the right direction. Often, I'm surprised how well things turn out. College is paid for, grades are good; my credit is being transferred. However, with joy comes sadness. While most people expect me to care for nothing more than myself, I care a great deal when it comes to my close friends. I care deeply for everyone of them, and they know who they are, but when it comes to their heartbreak, my heart takes a stab as well.

In the upcoming days, I'll feel a sense of loss leaving my job. I'll feel a sense of excitement returning to comfortable territory, but I'll also be feeling a new sense of joy, as my journey in growing up is only beginning. However, I will still hold the worry of friends close to me, and make sure they are alright as well. In the truest sense, I'm anticipating the feeling of finally breaking this barricade once called home. Getting ready for the next chapter!

The Transfiguration

Alone. I feel like being back here has placed me back into this uncomfortable place. I hate allowing myself being placed back into this position. How could it have happened? Nothing I want more is to leave this place. I've come to the point in which I don't think I can continue sleeping here.. breathing here. I'm ready to leave.

I'm scared for what the future may bring, but I don't think I can stay here. I can't stay here anymore. Not anymore. I need to break free. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sad again.

Hide and Seek

I sit here.. no longer in the comfort of my dorm, or any library, but instead, on the floor of what used to be home, or lack there of. Thinking I learned enough, I came back to Farmington with an attitude that most would find unsettling. Here I am, however, proved wrong. It started when I was preparing to come back, my bags packed, I had no where to go. This place remains a shadow of my former life, before finally realizing where my life can go upward. However, in order to move forward, I need to close some doors I left open. Coming back, I realized how lost I was when I first got here.. and Here I Am.. once again.. lost

Revisiting some events that I had experienced showed me how far I've come in only a year. However, lost comes again. Today, a friend of mine died today. Two-three years ago, she would make me laugh, often joking with one another, we had a great time. But now, here I am, without her. And although I hadn't talked to her in over a year, her smile still lingers in my mind. The raspy voice, and so many distinct features that made her stand out from the rest I feel that I will remember. Such a loss, but another reminder how precious life is. While my life is showing promise and optimism, I still stand feeling down over the past few incidents. However, at this time, my condolences to the family. So much promise: lost in a matter of time. Knowing I got to see her at graduation smiling, and thinking "hey, it's Larissa" brings me comfort, as I know she lived her life so fully.

Friends come and go into your lives, but those special ones always remain in your heart.. to all the great times we shared.. rest in peace friend.

Weekend Wars

I feel myself continuing to change. I like it. It's scary to be honest. From meeting new people to trying new things. I've come to the point where I feel that I want more. I'm not quite sure if it's me growing up, or simply trying to become something I'm not. At the same time, I'm comforted by all of this. For some reason, cigarettes give me peace. I hope. However I don't want to come to the point of addiction. Am I simply being me? or trying to become something more?

How do we know the direction we head is the right one? Will we ever truly know? I speak in circles once again, simply not knowing. However, I feel content with my life, but I feel I need to make some final stretches to become this new and improved person. What makes me hesitant is the journey back to Farmington, where I once used to call home. Even though it's for two months, I wonder how I will react going back. I feel that my old self is back, but wanting to move in a different direction now. I feel completely lost, but happy at the same time. Music sedates me. Smoking awakes me. Alcohol makes me live.

The times are changing, and I feel myself growing deeper into a better person. So here I go, continuing.. the past weekend gave me alot to think about. Perhaps, I need to keep my actions in moderation, living it up is great, just so long that it doesn't cost you the life you strive for. I also feel that I experienced what college social life has to truly offer. The place of calmness and clarity. Next year awaits, but this year is slowly running out. So with that said.. I think I'm making the most of it. Here's to the final moments of college year one.

Breakaway..

I feel like me again.. Genuinely, I feel like as though a great weight has been removed. Even though I am not in the ideal state quite yet, I am happy again. For the first time, in a long time, I cried because I was happy. Everything that has been said to me before, time and time again finally makes sense. Maybe it was the alcohol or cigarettes, who knows.. but everything that has happen in the past two weeks has made me into a much better person.

I love my life again.

I am still scared for what the future holds, but excited to see what happens next. I'm actually excited again. The next few months seem visible now, like I tore down a wall blocking me from thinking this way. How it happened in such a short amount of time amazes me, but knowing it finally came makes me feel great. When I thought perhaps going back would change things, I know now that looking forward, and beginning to build a strong future is what makes life great. Also that taking a risk, and making the jump is what makes life into something truly remarkable. I need to be the change. It's up to me. My new life has started.

Stay tuned

:)

In many respects..

This past week took a great dip as I was kicked outta my Fraternity. While I thought the reasons I was released was complete bullshit, I exited in what I (and some cool cats) consider 'classy'. Leaving on a good note, I hope that perhaps one day, I might still be in the group that I once looked up to. But also, I'm relieved. Hitting rock bottom for a day gave me the opportunity to realize that life is short, and that mine does not deserve the fear from realizing my TRUE potential. It's possible that I may be suited as frat-material, but realizing that other chances to have an equal, if not greater of having an excellent time is out there! While I may never be the perfect gentleman, or the outrageous party animal, I've come to terms with being me. And that at times I will fall, but the chance to rise again and make new choices is all the fun in life. The fear of thinking I can't, or I'm not is useless. The only way to live life is taking risks, whether they'd be fun or fearful, life should be lived to its fullest potential.

In the next few months, I hope to further this thought process and make choices that are not based on fear or restriction, but freedom to whatever I choose to do. I want to live the life I want, and the life I should have. The life in which I can truly be proud of, and not based on what I can already accomplish. Come 10 years from now, I want to look back and think, "it was great I made that choice to take the risk", and not "I should have taken the risk". It's comforting to know that there is that person out there, and that he/she can be located anywhere. Whether it'd be in a study group to a underground dance party, people are out there. Life is great.

I'm growing to be happy again, and learning that life goes on.. it's up to the individual to make the choice in which they want their life to lead.. I'm beginning to love my life.. Once Again.

the ABC's of growing up..

When it seems that life has taken route in which the car falls off the hill completely, when nothing stops the constant ups and downs, is the time to scream! It seems that life takes no mercy on some people, while for others, the journey only passes along beaches and complete paradise. I believe I speak as a semi-depressed college student, who happens to be completely in turmoil over car damages and stressful classes. But above all of this, I take another hit from the Fraternity events and interactions that keep me awake at night, or completely annoyed. I knew there would have been a down spot in the Spring semester, but now that the time has hit, it seems to prolong itself into the point of me smoking again. I suppose I write to make myself feel somewhat better about myself, or to simply wave my white flag to the non-reading internet blogs. For some people, it's easy to say "go talk to a psycho doctor", or "stop drinking, because (my superior-self says) it's gross". However, I still deal with these people day in and day out as a way to get me through the day. I ask.. when will the day come when the perfect friend finally enters my life and actually stays, and doesn't move to California, or decides that she wants to enter 'sisterhood'. After all the trials and constant tribulations, I keep wondering, when will it finally stop?

As I sit here, completely defeated from weeks prior, cuddled from Bible believers, overwhelmed with failing classes, and torn over my complete ignorance, I continue to think what's next? I sometimes think that it's my fault, that all of this could have been rescued from one simple mistake. Karma. I used to think it was only folklore, but it seems like my life has taken a good hit from fairy tales.. Yet, I still continue to hold hope. It's a tiny light as of now, but I believe that perhaps, in a day or so, my strength will take an enhancer and build more. Quoting Carrie Bradshaw, perhaps "our mistakes are what make our fate, without them, what would shape our lives? Maybe if we never veered off course.. we wouldn't fall in love.."

Now while I don't proclaim myself as an searcher of love, I want to believe these blunders will carry me through this mess, and put me in a greater place in the end. Hopefully. It's all I can hold onto. At this moment.

Talking in Circles

With every college students comes busy schedules, pages of notes, and lots of stress. So when it comes to that point when one can take a break from everything that has bothered them and have time to reset from the overbearing academic life and extracurriculars, it's great to sit back and look back. Spring Break 2009: While some are currently partying in Mexico, or visiting overbearing parents, I'm (voluntarily) sitting here thinking how I came to this spot of my life, I begin to recount the many years built up to this moment now. I'm 19, and I thought I knew how to settle most issues based on just 'being mature', but now that has fallen by the wayside. Scary yes, however, it's a surprise facing day-to-day challenges. I'm 19, and a Freshman in college.

For the most part, I enjoy writing these thoughts down, as it gives me a way to completely let loose and start over, with a blank page (for the most part). Often, I wonder how these blogs help in the long run, and I've seen some peoples feelings let loose, others, go unattended. To place emphasis on either one of these would be absurd, but for now, as the great Beatles song states "Let It Be".

As I sit here (at 3:35AM), I listen to Coldplay's, "The Scientist", and I think how great and stupid it would be to head in reverse. Often, I think how everyone should only look forward, and for the most part, I live by that creed. Yet, how comforting it would feel to simply retract one moment in the past, and relive it. I suppose that's where my point comes to. I sometimes refuse to read the rest of some blogs, based on the first entry, in which they start out as.. "Hi my name is...I'm currently single.." To anyone I may have offended, sorry, but at times, I think this isn't MySpace or Facebook; I don't need a complete eHarmony profile. So for now, I'm 19, in college, and I have no idea what I'm talking about... (somewhat)