with me.

In most times, when we are bestowed with enormous stress and anxiety, we often tend to let it get the best of us. In most moments, when we're afraid, we back away. Taking two steps back, afraid.. we restart. Organization is key as most will put it. Cleanliness is the best way to go. Our norms, beset with a class of psychology might tell us we're normal and that everyone around us is insane. But what happens when you stop, and you find yourself making excuses for everything else going on around you?

I've come to find in the past few months, part of myself, waiting to be opened. The part that was covered up by my old self blaming the surroundings for everything that wasn't. I let the worst get the best of me. What changed? The resistance let go; allowing myself to stretch my boundaries far beyond what I could have imagined, I became more of myself. Before, I told myself I wanted to keep all of myself, but change pushed me forward.

I'm content. Better than I ever could have imagined. I figured part one out. Or perhaps part two, three, or maybe even four? In fact, I figured out a majority of my life much like writing this essay. At first, what doesn't seem 'right' will be deleted and then worded differently; suddenly, it makes sense. Human emotions are forever complicated, but the best that I find myself able to do is let the past be just that. And then, I can allow myself to get ready for the present and the future. And knowing that might just be the best thing you can ever do for yourself.

To the next parts, breakdowns and absolute hectic times.. For what it's worth..

Never regret one single moment.. after all. You're the best thing to ever happen to yourself.

O

every choice makes sense. for one decision becomes only one outcome.

Is the outcome a win?

Maybe, but the win of information from the loss cycles balancing out the odds.

Turning everything even, and only back to an odd number, being level again.

Life cycles.

O

wild horses.

there are moments in life that hold you back.

They hold you back from the ones you care about, but bring you back to realize how far you've come. Those moments tend to hit you when you realize they happened so long ago. It's been 5 years. 5 years since I lost my hero.

Days and journeys have traveled themselves since the day. From losing all hope to pushing my goals far beyond anything I could ever have imagined, I'm slowly building myself into a greater person before ultimately leaving everything behind, and starting a completely new adventure.

It's been five years, and I've barely begun my adventure. From where the open road starts and into where it ends.. I'll never be thrown off track as I was that day I lost my grandfather. My hero, and to this date, my motivation. I can only do my best to make him proud each and everyday. To him, I miss you, I love you.. and I'll see you soon.

Grandpa. RIP. 5 years and still never forgotten.

here comes the sun

For most, there are special moments that occur when you catch yourself laughing. Smiling so brightly because throughout all the pain that occurred in prior months, you realize how truly lucky you are. That moment in realizing even the small, most insignificant things we take for granted are overlooked is when we can start being grateful for everything we have. And truly move on.

Moments as special as this are just that, but if you always remember that even in your darkest of times.. it takes a simple smile to make the day, that much special.

And then you find, tomorrow is another day; the past is the past. And if you're truly lucky, you realize that monumental things are about to happen.

In love; peace & harmony.

D. 610

ever so often, after new purchases, new mistakes, and new found opportunities, I really had to wonder.. what happens when everything seems to be content?

No drama; small, almost innocent and minuscule tension exist. But, in more ways than one, when things finally seem to be going right, what's next?

I couldn't help but wonder, do we need tensions to make life go on?

medley

For more reasons than none, heartbreak hurts in ways we couldn't imagine. Suddenly, our lives seemed perfect and now, it seems unimaginable that we can ever get over someone. The time, the happiness, the smiles, the comforting effortless feeling that both of us were happy.

Seasons change, and our bodies become immediately adapt to the hot, to the cold. So is it that relationships, the initial flirting, dining, and breakup.. is all of it just a season?

Over the past 20 years, myself has become adapted with the change of seasons, temperature, and locations. But just recently, everything shifts from what was typical to what is reasonable. Random shifts of occurrence, people coming into your life, and what seems like a bus taking another route, my love (once upon a time) was gone.

So why is it, that my heart, along with millions of other innocent growing adults stayed in the same place. Is it that we unknowingly treat others how we'll be treated? After all, I had someone who still wanted to be friends, and someone who liked me, someone who probably loves me, but I couldn't help but wonder.. why doesn't it feel like it's ever enough?

Today, I took to my own judgement and realized that I'm no longer in that person's life, and I had to realize that people move on. Like I had done to many, I was the victim and I'm taking the hit. From one love to another prospect, it took nearly eight months, from heartbreak to moving on, to another rekindled heartbreak.. but it took eight months to come full circle and realize life can truly move itself into new areas.

Being aware that love and dependency tie hand and hand with one another at this prime age of life. I realize that even though I might not have someone with me at this moment.. It's important to realize that while some people are choosing to settle for now, others are settling for the promise of the future.. and all of it's paradise. After all, seasons change, people change, but you, will only grow more into yourself.. and if you're very lucky, find someone who will love that growth just as much as you.

stars.

life somehow makes it way onto the next step.

From college to summer and back again, we take a cycle most aren't aware of. When we go out, when we stay in, somehow, our bodies form a cycle. Life is completely parallel. From every atom in our body to the galaxies beyond us. We are only part of human nature.

Why couldn't I connect the pieces when it came to relationships, or lack thereof. After all, what others might have had, I had filled in other places. The mind is a mysterious creature. But the nervousness that blocks us from telling the truth and saying, 'here it is.. I love you', is an obstacle. Like many video games, once you pass an obstacle, only then. Only then are you able to move forward to the next level, one step closer to victory.

What I realized is that I've been in love with someone, for quite sometime, but what I wasn't aware of was I was in love with him because he brought me into another level of my life. One I don't think I could done without him. I have a new job, new look, new outreach, new goals, and a new sense of myself due to him. And it's not for him. It was as though someone finally said, it's okay, you can do this. And I did.

Now it's become back again, cycle. It falls on me. I've come clean, expressing my feelings. And the results can't shape the rest of my life. It was in that moment, I realize.. you have to keep walking, struggling maybe, but eventually, with time and patience, you'll reach the finish line.

With those who matter most to you. On to the next one.

a dear old southland;

When it comes to college; cycle. Begin. End. We’re done.

Life: Begin. End.

From what end of the universe; we told one way, another might adapt. Others may evaluate. We don’t really know who it is. What is it? And maybe, we’re just bullshitting ourselves like animals. The smallest of creatures. Beyond that, emotions, relationships, ‘sparks’, all mean what?

For college, it’s one obstacle over another. From lessons on the whiteboard, to the ones we reach. Finally, it makes sense, only to be rewashed, forgetting what we thought was right. I feel the same can be for people; someone makes sense, wait, did I not learn the first time? The second time?

And suddenly, but almost unexpectedly, it does make sense. See what most don’t know is that in college, you really learn anything is possible. From entering adulthood, making choices to bring ourselves into new areas, physically & emotionally. From making the most of it or tragically ending it; we’re ultimately in charge of whatever comes our way. Children, motivated from youth to believe how we, as adult believe. When it comes to dealing with past mistakes, complete delusional, or even rejection, we often drive down into denial, blaming ourselves. When in actual reality, none of it matters. We find how our lives connect, but like trying to use a mistaken key, it doesn’t fit. So why fret over it? The key is torn apart; making yourself unable to connect, fit, with anyone. I find that seeking happiness in your moment of life is what’s most important. Tim after time, remembering the best is still yet to come and in time, our bodies and mind will mature into going into its own terms, having peace: the most important.

So for now, as two years came and went, college & life go on; in which way?

Well, let’s just say we haven’t seen anything yet.

Remember always; stay forever young; the world, open to anything

"heaven can wait; we're only watchin' the skies, hoping for best, but expecting the worst"

the park.

i'm scared.

Sometimes, the future can look so terrifying I can't help but wonder if it's even worth it. Coming out of classes, building new relationships, we seem to formulate a comforting zone of what is right and wrong. We can find ourselves in the lives that we might have, or should have. Easy way outs come our way. However, I couldn't help but wonder, when does the pursuit of happiness become dangerous?

Life seems to take turns each and every corner, but also, does the roads of life appear out of chance, or is that word called fate, where everything is predestined. Do you let go and let the drive take itself?

Dreams can only go so far, so is it smart to let go of old dreams and make new ones? Do we let ourselves go? Or do we simply become better?

Maybe our lives seem to take shape from past mistakes over and over. The enforced idea to live the best life now would seem to take hold and make everything, amazing. In only two short years, I've found the best opportunities come from the unexpected. Love cannot be planned, and those instances when life seems to be going great cannot be planned either.

Life is a box full of treasures, gifts, and complete mysteries. From highs and lows, maybe, it's always important to know that those little treasures still exist and that if you can believe that, than anything is possible.

history repeating

for once. just this moment.

I take time out. Time from all the craziness to acknowledge one.

One simple, yet unexpected object.

Time tells an important story, from the moments of first meeting someone to the length of time that allows from not communicating. How do we simply define what is now? or even then?

Love. Passion. Temptation. Patience. Life.

All of which occur in the smallest amounts of time, from you, from others, from the ones unknown. I never understood the true meaning of the unexpected. The whispers, the shouts, and everything in between occur to simply say.. the best is still to come.

Our lives, at least mine anyways, have been shaped from the surrounding we place ourselves in. The music, the movies, the maniactic moments we follow shape every moment around us. Cinematic moments motivate ourselves to say 'i'll have that' or 'that'll never happen'. However, what I've come to find (and as insightful as I may sound) is that none of that really matters. The fear of knowing drives us into new prospects. Being more than fortunate to know and understand someone besides myself for a period of time gives me the ability to say.. let's move forward. Understanding yourself.. and even knowing you can be loved will make you progress. After all. . alcohol, drugs, sex or everyday life can place temporary sedatives in how you'll feel.. but it's until you confront the issue wholely.. is when you, your special, self-loved self, will be able to move on.

At this age of innocence, it's importance to remember one thing: self-love. I wish I knew all the answers, but as my mind runs, and runs with yours.. love yourself first. I will say.. thus far. I've found someone whose caused me to love differently. Who has caused me to love so deeply. I've found someone who've I lost, but fortunately, caused me to realize how much I've lost. I've found someone I still lust, but not for aesthetics, but for a feeling. A feeling that says, "i'm alright, i'm more than grateful for this. now."

This person still has expectations for me. This person inspires me, I learn from him.

He learns from me. He allows me to say 'he' and not try to be anyone but myself. He learns from me, and brings a new sense of joy in my life. However, deep inside of me, I still feel I'll never be good enough for him, but chancing myself for him makes life that much more exciting. Without risks, there's no life to live. I love someone, still.

It never went away.

Finally Moving

For the past three years I've been writing, I've always come to conclude that the people writing in coffee shops didn't really know how to write. These people are most likely still reeling from a painful breakup. Ego aside, I'm the sitting cliche.

More often than most, we come to sense our mistakes after we've made them. Finally, it seems that I finally knew myself well enough to realize the person I had been longing after wasn't enough.

Life's too short, and that goes to say spending an enormous amount of time on one person went with consequence. My world of what happened and what will happen will ultimately change. However, nothing can amount for the moment right now.

Distant Dreamer

In every instance, we're overshadowed by a sense of fear. The fear comes unnoticed by many, sometimes it's a fear already conquered. Like a ghost, the fear comes to take many by surprise when it's fear of the unknowing turns into a deeper sense of love. Something unknown and completely unexpected.
Turning from those initial thoughts, I've come to find myself at a crossroads, where both options balance each other out. I had to wonder, that when moments such as this, where two options await with better things, are simply just gambling with our lives?
Memories from events prior shadow the moments that come alive, and I'm here. This moment, gone. This moment, here. When we dream, we aspire, when we laugh, we smile. When we cry, our hearts overfill, only to smile once more. What happens when everything around us seems content, and the moments that await just scare us?
Often, I refer to life as an adventure, but when the adventure turns into a major decision, how do we decide?

on reste dieu merci a la merci

There are moments that begin to end the worry of all the troubles and at that moment..

You realize how lucky you are. And you find yourself in love.

In love with a moment, where everyone is set aside, for this simple moment. If you can fall in love, with a moment like tonight. Then consider yourself so fortunate, you're in love.

Starry nights, how I love thee.

I'm Alright

Life seems to take its sudden twists and turns at the most unexpected times. Relationships fall apart, crushes spur out of no where, and lucky moments spring from the unexpected. It's in the process of moving on from one another, including your old self, is where the biggest importance lies. Remembering how you've come, when you still have so far to go. Thinking to yourself, 'this is only temporary, I can do it.' Where comfort lies in bottles made of glass, or cups full of coffee, the most important comfort lies inside you. The fact that your heart, which remains a secret, is happy with itself, it's flaw, it's ups, it's beauty is the most important matter. When your heart is willing to be open, then you'll find yourself appreciating more and realizing how truly lucky you really are.

You'll never be alone when your heart is telling you, 'I still believe in you.'

Onto to the planning of the next few journeys, and the opening into a whole new area of my life.

Life is amazing again, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Spring is here.

i knew that you loved me.

one year later.

Sitting in a somewhat similar situation, I'm almost amazed in what has happened in one year. From parties to people, everything has amazingly fantastic. Life goes on and so did mine. From falling in love to falling in breakup, I made it. Let's just say, I'm ready for the next year, and I'm ready for all the new adventures that await. Living in the city is great. With great friends and great shoes, I'm very grateful. Semi-depressed? Well, no one is perfect. I'm always striving for more.. so consider myself 'in progress'.

Don't wanna touch.. I want it all.

Here we go again.

:D

in the end.

Imagine a cup. Time and time again, droplets of water reaching the tip, until finally, it's too much. Much is like people. I wonder to myself if all my friendships are like these cups, and each friendship will overfill leaving me to let it go, start anew, sometimes else where. This week I lost a great friend. A friend who made me laugh, someone who was there to accept me the way I am. One of those friends that changed me. I wonder if it's sadder to lose a person completely than it is to see a person who is no longer themselves, but a simple facade of the person you imagined them to be. We're all lying to ourselves into an extent. The clothes we where, the actions we take, the daily decisions we make all play a role in covering up something deep down.

When it comes to new friendships, do we guard ourselves from hurt, or open ourselves freely to new branches of emotions untouched or strengthen from previous relationships. It's often said, 'we never change, we just grow into ourselves more and more', so I had to wonder, does our actions change per person, or change per emotion. Each person we face we set up a different emotion of excitement and sometimes even resentment, however do those emotions change or grow? Are we living a life already pre determined? Do the people who come into and exit our lives leave us wanting more or leave us learning lessons? When faced into the debacle of various events or breaking free, are we heartbroken or just stupid?

By the ongoingness of complexity, I'm left feeling very stupid, however the vulnerability isn't as bad as it was before the initial threat of opening yourself up. Leaving empty handed emotionally seems only temporary from the investment of one person.. I learned and gained so much more in life lesson and am more grateful than ever getting to know myself a little more clearer.

Love is as blind as the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm 20. out of love, ready for a new cup. inspired again, and optimistic.

i'll never love again.

From the moment creativity kicks in, the world opens into a new league of visions. Life takes hold and imagery is never the same. From the glance at anything, a cup, birds, renaissance, our views and experiences draw us back into a moment we remember.. The moment we were inspired. Many times, my mind would fall back into the masterful genius that was Alexander McQueen.

The man who revolutionized his form of fashion played a crucial role in where I wanted my life to go. His collections always touched me and inspired me into pushing my creative buttons just a little more. From his world of future underwater elegance it seemed I had a sense of where fashion would go, and I hope that I would have the privilege of meeting him one day. He pushed the final button, only on his life. At the age of 40, his time in life was marked with legend, genius, masterful craftsmanship, and his work is an inspiration on those beginning their lives. From choosing death, he gives others life.

To the man I never knew, but felt more than grateful his artistry touched millions of lives, from mainstream to the simple minds like my own. McQueen, you will never be forgotten.

RIP.

undiscovered.

From time to time, a small crunch of pain stricken our necks forcing us into thinking we're stuck in our situation. Then with a twist or sudden movement, pop, the pain is gone temporarily.

The same goes for most of daily dilemmas, or homework.. Here and gone, only to be back again. Reevaluating my life lately, I've come to some pretty great realizations, figuring out that I've been building myself up lately from the outside. I've been paying too much attention to the aesthetics rather than the structure that withholds every emotion, every event, and every great love. While anyone can redecorate, or change some furniture arrangements, it takes strong, mindful thinking to restructure rooms, or levels of how large or small you want your house to be. My mindset for the longest time was the more the merrier, the larger the house, the more friends the merrier. None of it was making me happy, for it had only been causing me more tribulations as I lay out the work week. More often that not, I would compare my aesthetics to everyone else, thinking, 'well I can do it better', in which many ways I can, and feel my way of life overcomes most, but it doesn't make me better and should never make me feel inadequate.

I am my own house, and its continuing effort for perfection will continue for as long as I live.

No one is perfect, and no one can ever reach perfection. In every cheesy cliche alive, with great power comes great responsibility. I had a friend recently write a tale about judging others, while it brought a simple tale of never judging a book by its cover, the nature of the story fell through, for his own mindset doesn't follow his writing. So in my house analogy, it was much like building from the outside in, which never works. His frame of mind beset the outside image of words. In todays everyday life, we're all unique, framed by events that both hurt and inspire our goals, but we're often beset on the outside of how we look, rather than how we were built. From what drives the minds in college to continue is a mystery. The events of drinking, being sexually active, driving on the acceptance of others continues to be a mystery in many ways. For when most people appear to be self-confident, most are not, instead covering their own imperfection by mocking others. The emotions we feel, we often cover up by provoking others and saying "i'm ok". We tend to heighten the event by focusing primarily on our own situation, blocking out and taking for granted everything else around us, often losing many opportunities, and many friends in the process. We often think we've pushed the hold button, thinking everyone around us will still be there when we're gone. However, like myself in others lives, I can't focus too hard on them.

So in everyday life, we're struggling to overcome the past. What we do right now, plays the ultimate role into what will happen next. Our actions will define who we are ultimately, both to ourselves and others. How we interpret what others might feel is really up to us. While no one in the world can please everyone, the most important person we can please is ourself. For no one will judge, criticize, praise, or love ourselves harder than our own self.

you choose death and company.

From a young age, we're often taught various subjects, "survival of the fittest" and that you have to 'look' a certain way, or 'weigh' a certain amount. Has the technology overload in the past ten years just made us cynical towards perfection?

And why is it that we always feel an urge, or dire need to compete against others? We compete to an empty auditorium, where the lions that arise are simply more words thrown at one another. The crowd is no one but our own.

We cry an empty roar to ourselves.

Our world is nothing more but how we perceive it.. Our head and reality remain two completely different worlds. One with no criticism, and the other with every gesture and boo coming from an overfilled hoorah of on lookers.

I'm speechless in the fact that I still, even though feeling as though I've learned from past mistakes fall back into the company of my woes. When does the hurt and anger turn into happiness and joy? Does getting hurt ever heal? Emotionally.. or physically? We often judge ourselves based on the opinions given to us.. we're called skinny or too slim, we often jump to that as our high mark, or we're called fat, or 'different'.. and we drown ourselves down into pity. Are we insane to think we can be happy with being happy? Or is happy just an excuse for how perfection can never be.. and is perfection really overrated?

something there.

another sunny day. I'm lucky I know.. but where is home?

The event has struck. I'm only sitting here in the aftermath. Under flourensence, caught between various thoughts and past experiences that only bring up one question, and that's why I'm not feeling as happy as I should? Am I simply too vain? Where does life begin? Where does happiness begin? The age of innocence no longer exist. Guilt shadows our everyday events. We question most daily events, emotions, and experiences to the point where we begin to blame only ourselves. Where does that all end? Do we, as individuals make our own fate? And do we seek a certain set of consequences based on every action? Life continues to make it's mark in mystery. At the start of a new month, I sit in partial guilt wondering if my happiness has begun? Where does stress partake in the individual feeling of your true happiness?

Do the questions we ask overshadow the answers we're given?

white flag

we are mysterious creatures.

From learning to let my guards down, to acting irrationally against those closest to me, I'm tangled in various emotions and trying to learn how to live again. At twenty years old, I'm completely lost, with full optimism that life can and will get better. New loves will occur, but every lesson opens new wounds that continue to be afflicted from past lessons learned from those around us. I've done pretty well on my own, and I'm ready to go at it again. Slowly, but surely, the feelings and judgments held against me need to simply only make my skin thicker. Staying positive can be tricky when negativity surrounds you, but knowing you have those doors still open carries great hope. So let's do this again. Dartmouth we like.

Turnin' The Page

Ever year, children in the bodies of growing adults have that one day, which spews special moments and giddy feeding of the ego. The day when single is celebrated, the birthday. For some it's hours of gift receiving and people coming up wishing their best. To the individuals spotlighted, it can dawn a self-realization moment. A day to reflect how far you've come from the year behind you, and how you wanna make the next year even more special. For some, it's like a ticking clock, with one tick just heard all around in the head. So what constitutes a perfect year, a perfect moment. The moment you feel this is mine, and no one can take it away?

And is it no longer special, when you choose to share the moment with someone else? Life is all about lessons, the lesson learned and never forgotten, however, I couldn't help but wonder, in the next twenty years, are the lessons destined by age? Is the great Age Issue simply just a page number on the book of lessons? I go far too deep with thinking at times, but for now, everything seems to be in order.

This moment is great. The lesson, no stress can be made unless you're the one doing the stressing. So with all that said, and about an hour and half left on my nineteen, I'm forced to turn the page onto page twenty. The page is unwritten, waiting for the lessons to start. Pen is ready. Line is set.. Here We Go Again.

Blank Page. 20.

lost, then found

making big plans.. turning 20 soon.

letting go of one monkey bar to move forward.. how is that when everything we want seems like nothing when we finally have it?

the fact we obtain our goals drives us forward.. and if I have learned one thing this year already; it's that despite my harshness or pessimism, love can truly change ones life as it did to mine. The spark of love pushed my ambitions farther than I could have first imagined.

2010.. watch out :)