in the end.

Imagine a cup. Time and time again, droplets of water reaching the tip, until finally, it's too much. Much is like people. I wonder to myself if all my friendships are like these cups, and each friendship will overfill leaving me to let it go, start anew, sometimes else where. This week I lost a great friend. A friend who made me laugh, someone who was there to accept me the way I am. One of those friends that changed me. I wonder if it's sadder to lose a person completely than it is to see a person who is no longer themselves, but a simple facade of the person you imagined them to be. We're all lying to ourselves into an extent. The clothes we where, the actions we take, the daily decisions we make all play a role in covering up something deep down.

When it comes to new friendships, do we guard ourselves from hurt, or open ourselves freely to new branches of emotions untouched or strengthen from previous relationships. It's often said, 'we never change, we just grow into ourselves more and more', so I had to wonder, does our actions change per person, or change per emotion. Each person we face we set up a different emotion of excitement and sometimes even resentment, however do those emotions change or grow? Are we living a life already pre determined? Do the people who come into and exit our lives leave us wanting more or leave us learning lessons? When faced into the debacle of various events or breaking free, are we heartbroken or just stupid?

By the ongoingness of complexity, I'm left feeling very stupid, however the vulnerability isn't as bad as it was before the initial threat of opening yourself up. Leaving empty handed emotionally seems only temporary from the investment of one person.. I learned and gained so much more in life lesson and am more grateful than ever getting to know myself a little more clearer.

Love is as blind as the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm 20. out of love, ready for a new cup. inspired again, and optimistic.

i'll never love again.

From the moment creativity kicks in, the world opens into a new league of visions. Life takes hold and imagery is never the same. From the glance at anything, a cup, birds, renaissance, our views and experiences draw us back into a moment we remember.. The moment we were inspired. Many times, my mind would fall back into the masterful genius that was Alexander McQueen.

The man who revolutionized his form of fashion played a crucial role in where I wanted my life to go. His collections always touched me and inspired me into pushing my creative buttons just a little more. From his world of future underwater elegance it seemed I had a sense of where fashion would go, and I hope that I would have the privilege of meeting him one day. He pushed the final button, only on his life. At the age of 40, his time in life was marked with legend, genius, masterful craftsmanship, and his work is an inspiration on those beginning their lives. From choosing death, he gives others life.

To the man I never knew, but felt more than grateful his artistry touched millions of lives, from mainstream to the simple minds like my own. McQueen, you will never be forgotten.

RIP.

undiscovered.

From time to time, a small crunch of pain stricken our necks forcing us into thinking we're stuck in our situation. Then with a twist or sudden movement, pop, the pain is gone temporarily.

The same goes for most of daily dilemmas, or homework.. Here and gone, only to be back again. Reevaluating my life lately, I've come to some pretty great realizations, figuring out that I've been building myself up lately from the outside. I've been paying too much attention to the aesthetics rather than the structure that withholds every emotion, every event, and every great love. While anyone can redecorate, or change some furniture arrangements, it takes strong, mindful thinking to restructure rooms, or levels of how large or small you want your house to be. My mindset for the longest time was the more the merrier, the larger the house, the more friends the merrier. None of it was making me happy, for it had only been causing me more tribulations as I lay out the work week. More often that not, I would compare my aesthetics to everyone else, thinking, 'well I can do it better', in which many ways I can, and feel my way of life overcomes most, but it doesn't make me better and should never make me feel inadequate.

I am my own house, and its continuing effort for perfection will continue for as long as I live.

No one is perfect, and no one can ever reach perfection. In every cheesy cliche alive, with great power comes great responsibility. I had a friend recently write a tale about judging others, while it brought a simple tale of never judging a book by its cover, the nature of the story fell through, for his own mindset doesn't follow his writing. So in my house analogy, it was much like building from the outside in, which never works. His frame of mind beset the outside image of words. In todays everyday life, we're all unique, framed by events that both hurt and inspire our goals, but we're often beset on the outside of how we look, rather than how we were built. From what drives the minds in college to continue is a mystery. The events of drinking, being sexually active, driving on the acceptance of others continues to be a mystery in many ways. For when most people appear to be self-confident, most are not, instead covering their own imperfection by mocking others. The emotions we feel, we often cover up by provoking others and saying "i'm ok". We tend to heighten the event by focusing primarily on our own situation, blocking out and taking for granted everything else around us, often losing many opportunities, and many friends in the process. We often think we've pushed the hold button, thinking everyone around us will still be there when we're gone. However, like myself in others lives, I can't focus too hard on them.

So in everyday life, we're struggling to overcome the past. What we do right now, plays the ultimate role into what will happen next. Our actions will define who we are ultimately, both to ourselves and others. How we interpret what others might feel is really up to us. While no one in the world can please everyone, the most important person we can please is ourself. For no one will judge, criticize, praise, or love ourselves harder than our own self.

you choose death and company.

From a young age, we're often taught various subjects, "survival of the fittest" and that you have to 'look' a certain way, or 'weigh' a certain amount. Has the technology overload in the past ten years just made us cynical towards perfection?

And why is it that we always feel an urge, or dire need to compete against others? We compete to an empty auditorium, where the lions that arise are simply more words thrown at one another. The crowd is no one but our own.

We cry an empty roar to ourselves.

Our world is nothing more but how we perceive it.. Our head and reality remain two completely different worlds. One with no criticism, and the other with every gesture and boo coming from an overfilled hoorah of on lookers.

I'm speechless in the fact that I still, even though feeling as though I've learned from past mistakes fall back into the company of my woes. When does the hurt and anger turn into happiness and joy? Does getting hurt ever heal? Emotionally.. or physically? We often judge ourselves based on the opinions given to us.. we're called skinny or too slim, we often jump to that as our high mark, or we're called fat, or 'different'.. and we drown ourselves down into pity. Are we insane to think we can be happy with being happy? Or is happy just an excuse for how perfection can never be.. and is perfection really overrated?