Barricade

sadness continues to reign, however, finally it feels like the storm is coming to a close.

In only two-three short days, I'll be returning back to Albuquerque, ready to start an entirely new chapter in my life. The past few weeks reigned in new ideas, experiences, and oddly enough, a new name: a new beginning. The conflict started from irrational behavior from my uncle finally made me realize that I wanted to break away from my roots, and I finally wanted to start anew, on my own.

While the anticipation builds, I'm preparing for the stresses I'm sure this will cause, but knowing that keeps me going in the right direction. Often, I'm surprised how well things turn out. College is paid for, grades are good; my credit is being transferred. However, with joy comes sadness. While most people expect me to care for nothing more than myself, I care a great deal when it comes to my close friends. I care deeply for everyone of them, and they know who they are, but when it comes to their heartbreak, my heart takes a stab as well.

In the upcoming days, I'll feel a sense of loss leaving my job. I'll feel a sense of excitement returning to comfortable territory, but I'll also be feeling a new sense of joy, as my journey in growing up is only beginning. However, I will still hold the worry of friends close to me, and make sure they are alright as well. In the truest sense, I'm anticipating the feeling of finally breaking this barricade once called home. Getting ready for the next chapter!

The Transfiguration

Alone. I feel like being back here has placed me back into this uncomfortable place. I hate allowing myself being placed back into this position. How could it have happened? Nothing I want more is to leave this place. I've come to the point in which I don't think I can continue sleeping here.. breathing here. I'm ready to leave.

I'm scared for what the future may bring, but I don't think I can stay here. I can't stay here anymore. Not anymore. I need to break free. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sad again.

Hide and Seek

I sit here.. no longer in the comfort of my dorm, or any library, but instead, on the floor of what used to be home, or lack there of. Thinking I learned enough, I came back to Farmington with an attitude that most would find unsettling. Here I am, however, proved wrong. It started when I was preparing to come back, my bags packed, I had no where to go. This place remains a shadow of my former life, before finally realizing where my life can go upward. However, in order to move forward, I need to close some doors I left open. Coming back, I realized how lost I was when I first got here.. and Here I Am.. once again.. lost

Revisiting some events that I had experienced showed me how far I've come in only a year. However, lost comes again. Today, a friend of mine died today. Two-three years ago, she would make me laugh, often joking with one another, we had a great time. But now, here I am, without her. And although I hadn't talked to her in over a year, her smile still lingers in my mind. The raspy voice, and so many distinct features that made her stand out from the rest I feel that I will remember. Such a loss, but another reminder how precious life is. While my life is showing promise and optimism, I still stand feeling down over the past few incidents. However, at this time, my condolences to the family. So much promise: lost in a matter of time. Knowing I got to see her at graduation smiling, and thinking "hey, it's Larissa" brings me comfort, as I know she lived her life so fully.

Friends come and go into your lives, but those special ones always remain in your heart.. to all the great times we shared.. rest in peace friend.

Weekend Wars

I feel myself continuing to change. I like it. It's scary to be honest. From meeting new people to trying new things. I've come to the point where I feel that I want more. I'm not quite sure if it's me growing up, or simply trying to become something I'm not. At the same time, I'm comforted by all of this. For some reason, cigarettes give me peace. I hope. However I don't want to come to the point of addiction. Am I simply being me? or trying to become something more?

How do we know the direction we head is the right one? Will we ever truly know? I speak in circles once again, simply not knowing. However, I feel content with my life, but I feel I need to make some final stretches to become this new and improved person. What makes me hesitant is the journey back to Farmington, where I once used to call home. Even though it's for two months, I wonder how I will react going back. I feel that my old self is back, but wanting to move in a different direction now. I feel completely lost, but happy at the same time. Music sedates me. Smoking awakes me. Alcohol makes me live.

The times are changing, and I feel myself growing deeper into a better person. So here I go, continuing.. the past weekend gave me alot to think about. Perhaps, I need to keep my actions in moderation, living it up is great, just so long that it doesn't cost you the life you strive for. I also feel that I experienced what college social life has to truly offer. The place of calmness and clarity. Next year awaits, but this year is slowly running out. So with that said.. I think I'm making the most of it. Here's to the final moments of college year one.

Breakaway..

I feel like me again.. Genuinely, I feel like as though a great weight has been removed. Even though I am not in the ideal state quite yet, I am happy again. For the first time, in a long time, I cried because I was happy. Everything that has been said to me before, time and time again finally makes sense. Maybe it was the alcohol or cigarettes, who knows.. but everything that has happen in the past two weeks has made me into a much better person.

I love my life again.

I am still scared for what the future holds, but excited to see what happens next. I'm actually excited again. The next few months seem visible now, like I tore down a wall blocking me from thinking this way. How it happened in such a short amount of time amazes me, but knowing it finally came makes me feel great. When I thought perhaps going back would change things, I know now that looking forward, and beginning to build a strong future is what makes life great. Also that taking a risk, and making the jump is what makes life into something truly remarkable. I need to be the change. It's up to me. My new life has started.

Stay tuned

:)

In many respects..

This past week took a great dip as I was kicked outta my Fraternity. While I thought the reasons I was released was complete bullshit, I exited in what I (and some cool cats) consider 'classy'. Leaving on a good note, I hope that perhaps one day, I might still be in the group that I once looked up to. But also, I'm relieved. Hitting rock bottom for a day gave me the opportunity to realize that life is short, and that mine does not deserve the fear from realizing my TRUE potential. It's possible that I may be suited as frat-material, but realizing that other chances to have an equal, if not greater of having an excellent time is out there! While I may never be the perfect gentleman, or the outrageous party animal, I've come to terms with being me. And that at times I will fall, but the chance to rise again and make new choices is all the fun in life. The fear of thinking I can't, or I'm not is useless. The only way to live life is taking risks, whether they'd be fun or fearful, life should be lived to its fullest potential.

In the next few months, I hope to further this thought process and make choices that are not based on fear or restriction, but freedom to whatever I choose to do. I want to live the life I want, and the life I should have. The life in which I can truly be proud of, and not based on what I can already accomplish. Come 10 years from now, I want to look back and think, "it was great I made that choice to take the risk", and not "I should have taken the risk". It's comforting to know that there is that person out there, and that he/she can be located anywhere. Whether it'd be in a study group to a underground dance party, people are out there. Life is great.

I'm growing to be happy again, and learning that life goes on.. it's up to the individual to make the choice in which they want their life to lead.. I'm beginning to love my life.. Once Again.

the ABC's of growing up..

When it seems that life has taken route in which the car falls off the hill completely, when nothing stops the constant ups and downs, is the time to scream! It seems that life takes no mercy on some people, while for others, the journey only passes along beaches and complete paradise. I believe I speak as a semi-depressed college student, who happens to be completely in turmoil over car damages and stressful classes. But above all of this, I take another hit from the Fraternity events and interactions that keep me awake at night, or completely annoyed. I knew there would have been a down spot in the Spring semester, but now that the time has hit, it seems to prolong itself into the point of me smoking again. I suppose I write to make myself feel somewhat better about myself, or to simply wave my white flag to the non-reading internet blogs. For some people, it's easy to say "go talk to a psycho doctor", or "stop drinking, because (my superior-self says) it's gross". However, I still deal with these people day in and day out as a way to get me through the day. I ask.. when will the day come when the perfect friend finally enters my life and actually stays, and doesn't move to California, or decides that she wants to enter 'sisterhood'. After all the trials and constant tribulations, I keep wondering, when will it finally stop?

As I sit here, completely defeated from weeks prior, cuddled from Bible believers, overwhelmed with failing classes, and torn over my complete ignorance, I continue to think what's next? I sometimes think that it's my fault, that all of this could have been rescued from one simple mistake. Karma. I used to think it was only folklore, but it seems like my life has taken a good hit from fairy tales.. Yet, I still continue to hold hope. It's a tiny light as of now, but I believe that perhaps, in a day or so, my strength will take an enhancer and build more. Quoting Carrie Bradshaw, perhaps "our mistakes are what make our fate, without them, what would shape our lives? Maybe if we never veered off course.. we wouldn't fall in love.."

Now while I don't proclaim myself as an searcher of love, I want to believe these blunders will carry me through this mess, and put me in a greater place in the end. Hopefully. It's all I can hold onto. At this moment.